itachaweasle

It's moments like this when I remember how easy it was to repeatedly fall in love with you. How I hated and loved you as much as you hated me. How I could call on you, no matter if we were friends or an item, and you'd keep me from doing things I wish I never did to you. I wish I was strong enough to tell you I forgive you, that I'm sorry for the years you wasted on me, that I want to be friends again. But then I see you and I panic. I can't breathe and I run off and hide again. I push them all away because of how I treated you and yet you still haunt my dreams when I no longer cross your thoughts, your memories. I just want one last day with you and it will never happen.

Idk what I'm going to say, but I need some way to vent..
I know I don't have it bad, I'm so far from being able to think that
I have my parents, I have a home, I have pets, many people call me spoiled..
and I guess to a degree I am.
But I can't STAND being lied to anymore.
You don't think you are, you say you care. BITCH WHERE IS YOUR PROOF??!!!!!
Everyday I force myself to go to school because I WANT to go to college.
I WANT to live my dream.
I WANT to leave this damn city.
I CAN'T drop out of fucking school.
You say you care. Bullfuckingshit.
If you cared, you'd call me and ask how my easy ass life is. I know you have sports, but fuck, I have 15 animals to take care of, me, alone, and more on the way.
You don't even have to put that much effort into contacting me. I sit with you every morning even if it kills me.
Truth is, YOU are making me depressed. Your lies are killing me. So I cry, no one notices, you get pissy and I run off like always.
You never ask further, you don't follow me, you don't have to. Not anymore.
I don't care that you've moved on, I'm happy for you, truly I am. But stop fucking telling me to drop out. NO ONE in my family has finished college and I alone will break that cycle. I have a fucking plan for my life and for someone who loved me for almost THREE FUCKING YEARS I though you would have the decency to at least respect that.,
I know you have better fucking things to do, when it's the fucking weekend, so do I. I haven't had a weekend to myself, but I'm not complaining about it. Yes it gets boring. Yes sometimes I hate it. But it's better than being miserable during the week because I'm fucking alone.
You said you'd be a shitty friend, well congratulations, you're the shittiest friend I have. Friends build each other up NOT FUCKING BREAK THEM DOWN!
It takes everything in my power not to leave new scars across my body every night because I have so much shit piled on me I can't even think about waking up the next day. When this school year is up, if it wasn't for my promise to Robyn, I'd go to the fucking next town over just to leave you the fuck alone.
I know you don't want me around. But don't be like the bitch you now love, even though she/he/wahtthefuckeveritis played BOTH of US and AT THE SAME TIME.
Don't pretend to want me around.
Don't even pretend to want me alive.
I'd rather be hated than lied to.

Well I feel a fuck ton better. Please excuse the rant

I hate how easily I blend into the crowd
I hate how I can cry, sniff, and look like nothing happened
I hate how much it hurts when I'm alone
I hate that when I really need a hug, no one's there
I hate how I push everyone away
I hate that I need his attention so much
I hate that any day now, he will no longer even think of me
I hate how much that makes my heart break
I hate how I can't quit even if I want to
I hate how I crave for someone
I hate that no one wants me
I hate that no one needs me
I hate that I can't even cross their mind a fourth of how much they cross mine
I hate that I cry myself to numbness every night
I hate that no matter what, this wont change.

He didn't get mad when I made him loose Black Ops, we played another game
He tickled me and teased me, but we laughed the whole time
He hugged me, let me steal his beanie without getting pissy
He cursed with me, even though he knew my parents could hear us
He made my parent's fall in love with him instantly
He is the biggest sore loser I have ever met
He continued to replay with me instead of getting his friend from work
He let me tickle him back, even if he hated it
He hugged me so tight I never wanted to let go
He teased my friends, but they didn't care
He made a deal with me, that if I beat him, he'd kiss me
He gave me the most amazing kiss I'd had in awhile

I can't keep going through this...
when I need you, your gone.
when I can't stand you, BOOM you're there.
when all I need is someone to take away the knife, you're screaming at me.
when I'm about to give up, you cross my mind.
but I don't stop for you.
I can't stand the thought of hurting my dad.
I can't stand the thought of loosing one part of my dream.
I can't stand leaving the world when I haven't found what I've been looking for.
and I can't stand that I need you now and your gone.
You said you never forgot, well fuck you, to me you did.
You forgot the struggle I go through everyday to try and remember who I am.
You forgot that EVERYONE has LEFT and FORGOTTEN me; even you.
You forgot that I'm one thought away from a knife every night.
You forgot that I fucking need you to remember who I am.
but I can't even blame you..
You don't owe me anything.
You don't have to even talk to me; you don't.
...I don't know why it hurts so much to think of how we had been..how I can't even have a fourth of that friendship right now.
Because I am pulling a blade across my skin.
I am smoking every night to try and kill myself.
I am giving up on life because everyone has given up on me.
All I wanted was to talk to you.
over the phone, sure
in person, even better
but no, you ignore me..
fuck you.